The First Date

Tonight, I went on a date with Boatman. I'm not sure that it's worth giving him a nickname -- but there you have it. He was lovely. He was charming. He was cute. He was really cute. He offered interesting conversation. He has ambition and interests.

Conversation was good. Near the end of the date, he asked: "So how did we do?" I giggled. Literally, I giggled. I do that. I can't help it. I told him that I appreciated his honesty. I thought it went well. He assured me that he thought so too. He cited the fact that there were only "20 to 30 seconds of awkward silence between us." This amused me. But, I didn't quite want to say the truth. Not then, I said it later when he drove me home. Maybe I said it before. I remember apologizing twice. Perhaps I apologized after it happened. Yes, I think that's right. I apologized then too.

I apologized for the fact that I was suddenly talking about my brother. It emerged from the question of "what I do for fun." I was suddenly telling him about my brother's attempted suicide and its affects on me. I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't believe it was coming out of my mouth. It just kept coming. I want to believe that this came because he was a good listener. I couldn't stop. I want to believe that I was affirmed by his nodding encouragement. But, somehow, I couldn't stop. I wanted to -- but I didn't. I still can't believe that I am such a dating disaster. But, there it is. I'm a disaster. Ugh. I'm so sorry Boatman. I apologized then and again when he dropped me off. There was talk about a second date. I'm not sure how this happened. Did I ask? Did he? I was too embarrassed to focus. I am still mortified. Perhaps I should not be dating after all.