10.31.2007

Remember Me

When only one person appeared for Bible Study this afternoon, I announced that I would need to leave early. I needed to worship. I needed to run for the hills -- but the best thing that I could do at that moment was go to worship. I wondered if it would be wiser to go the beach and cry -- but I already knew that my prayers were paralyzed. I needed others. I needed a community that didn't know my problems but would sing the Spirit around me. So, I went to sing with the Episcopalians at their Wednesday night Taize service.

I was still late -- despite my best efforts. And even still, once I settled into the hard wooden pew of the chapel, I started to cry. And it just came in that way that tears come. I cried as I croaked lyrics. I sniffled as I sang. I needed to be in prayer today because I don't know what to do with the news that I recieved yesterday. With the mammograms and delayed travel, I was really beginning to feel pretty great -- until yesterday. Things were pretty fantastic until I learned what was happening at home. I wonder if it's even appropriate to post on my blog. I wonder if I should reserve my feelings and not share the deepest sorrow I have felt in a long time. And though I shall reserve my boundaries for my congregation, I need to share this truth somewhere. I need somewhere to say -- other than to God -- that I have no idea what to do with this. So, I sang this chant:

Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom
Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom


This is not a chant we commonly sing at this ecumenical gathering -- but it is my favorite. I understand the Scriptural reference and what this refrain for our vision of eternity. And yet, I have always thought this verse has more to do with calling to Jesus to coax us into what we believe to be possible. Make the kingdom (ahem, realm) possible in our hands. Show us how! Show us how! Remember us as you share your vision! This is how I have always sung this chant. This is how I have always understood it -- until today. The universalist theologian in me that believes that everyone will be remembered was forced to pause. And here is the crux of my fears: my brother attempted to take his life earlier this week. I don't know what to do with this reality. I don't know how to pray -- but I want him to be remembered. I want Jesus to be there even if that's the last person my brother wants to be there.

My chants were riddled with this plea. I want my brother to taste this grace -- even though I know it is so far outside of his realm. My chant was for hope and peace. I didn't find either in this moment of prayer. I want both peace and hope and yet I don't know how they might be realized. So, I pray for Jesus to remember us -- all of us.

14 comments:

Teri said...

oh, friend....praying...

more cows than people said...

((((pastor peters))))

lifting you and your brother up.

Audrey said...

Elsa,

You and your brother are in my prayers. I will pray, I know your blogging world is praying, and I hope that you know that your family is surrounded by a cloud of love through so many others praying as well.

ppb said...

Glad you did what you needed to do, and that it was good. I love it when the music is what you need....a sort of spiritual elixer.

Prayers for your brother and for you and yours.

Songbird said...

Praying, too. You have been on my mind, though I did not know why.
That is also my favorite Taize chant, it meant a lot both to me and to my mother when she was dying. Call me if you want me.

apbs said...

(((pastor peters)))

sighs too deep for words

Susie/Nueva Cantora said...

I'll add my prayers to the list.

Pastor Peters said...

thanks for all of your prayers.

thanks for reading things that i have no idea what to do with. thanks so much.

Backwoods Rev said...

Peace be with you, friend. Peace be with you.

Stacey said...

Oh, there are no words. Prayers coming for you and your family.

Cecilia said...

(((Pastor Peters))).

In prayer for you and your brother. I am so sorry.

Pax, C.

Alex said...

Is your brother okay? Thinking about you both.

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you. My mother planned to kill herself when I was in high school. I will pray for you all. Find someone to talk to as you need it (and even when you think you don't); it's vital.
Alice from the preaching conference

LittleMary said...

well crap. prayers for all of you. i am so very, very sorry. can only get better from here.