This is one of those weeks that seems impossible to fathom. So, I'm going to do the only thing I can right now and write. I don't know how to pray. I can't sit still. I just need to write. So, here are my prayers in no logical order.
One of our church members is in the hosptial. Got there last Sunday after hacking up a lung in the pew. His cancer is out of remission and now the man is dying. We're in Patriot land though -- so he wants to hold on until the Super Bowl. God forgive me for thinking that's innane.
Mom's annniversary is this Saturday. I'm surprisingly OK -- though everytime I think about this church member I want to cry. He's one of those people that you love even though he's a pain in the ass at every church gathering. Maybe that's why I love him. I baptized his grandson last year right before confirmation. It was my first baptism. It's created a connection. Go figure. But, that doesn't change the fact that I've spent an inordinary amount of time in the hospital this week. This is not my favorite place and not the time of year I really want to be there. I know it's part of my calling and I'm glad that I can be there. But, it's really hard and I'm not enjoying it.
And then, just when I think I can allow myself to go to that 7 year old place, BAM! A member shows up in my office yesterday to tell me that he's on suspension from work because of an allegation of sexual misconduction. Let me say that again. Allegation. Not confirmed. Shit. Did I mention that he's one of our Youth Advisers? So, I spent this morning rereading all of our Safe Church Policy documents and documenting all of my contact with this member since yesterday. His big question was why this would happen to him. I found this fascinating as I gave up on this idea of God a long, long time ago. This guy lost his wife last year -- almost to the day -- and still thinks that everything happens for a reason. Bless you child, but I can't think of a God that would will this upon you. This isn't a test. This isn't something to learn from. This just sucks.
It's time for Bible Study. Let's hope that I can hold it together.