Sunday Guilty Sunday

This morning, I awoke at 6:30 (ok, I got up at 6:45) to begin my Sunday. The Men's Retreat was this weekend which means that the Senior Pastor was away with the men. I was running the show. Not only was I preaching, I was serving communion. It was my first time to serve communion (at least, in this church) all by myself. It's also the first time that I have done it alone since my ordination. And I have the appropriate reverance for communion -- you know, like church people used to have for the ordained. It's a big deal for me. But, of course, the mics didn't work so most of my words were lost as I invited, blessed and prayed. Most could not hear me yelling (as I knew that the mic was not working, so I projected as much as I could into the sanctuary). And I preached which drains every once of energy from me. And then, there was Confirmation class -- an even more draining experience that I can't wait to change next year -- followed by chats with two confirmands about their readiness to be confirmed. So, I am exhausted.

I came home to crash on my couch. After chatting with a seminary friend whom I have been playing phone tag with for literally a week, I watched some TV and napped. But, I'm still exhausted. My eyes have that heavy feeling where they can't quite stay open but won't allow me to drift into further napping rest. So, I find myself filled with guilt.

I feel like I should do something. At least, I should read the most recent copy of the Nation before the new edition arrives tomorrow. I should continue reading Obama's first book (which I am actually really enjoying), but my eyes are too heavy. I can't seem to do it. Of course, I feel guilty because reading is one of the practices that I have tried to add to my Lenten journey. I have found in my five months in the parish that I am too tired to read. No more novels. No more newspapers. No more magazines. Instead, I skim headlines and pour over church-related stuff. So, I feel guilty. Silly, isn't it?

It is not the only Lenten practice that I have adapted so I shouldn't feel so bad. As far as my other practice goes, I had a great weekend. Instead of giving something up (which I have not done for years, if ever), I have decided to push myself out. My Lenten practices are self-care oriented. It's the nourishment that I need in this period of reflection upon my own humanity. I need to be pushed out into God's world. No, I'm not doing justice though that would be nice. Instead, I'm pushing myself out to do things that I enjoy. I'm pushing myself out into my new home to meet people. And I did it this weekend. I made some new friends. So, it was a good week.

But, it's Sunday. And I'm wondering about GOPBoy. We had dinner a week ago and I have not seen him since. Though we have both been really busy, I'm not sure where things lie. And I think I'm interested... even though I went out on Thursday night with another man. Though I am a bull-headed feminist, this man did not pay for our $20 dinner. I did. Um, are you kidding? So, I'm wondering about GOPBoy who is returning from a conference this weekend and if this is actually going to go somewhere. It's funny how it can take one afternoon of being lazy on the couch to feel lonely and guilty.

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