It snowed last night. It's the first real snowfall that we have had after this unseasonably warm November here in Maine. I've been nervous about the snow and now that it has snowed, I don't really feel motivated to do anything. I have intentions of doing some serious Christmas shopping, but I have yet to find the motivation (or enough coffee).
Last night, I was at church until late for our board meetings. For some reason, I left feeling miserable. I think it was a combination of feeling lonely and inaffective. It probably has something to do with the fact that I don't really enjoy committee meetings of any kind. They are so important, but I detest them. So, I came home to pour myself a glass of wine, finish making my tree skirt (which looks great) while listening to Christmas carols and hanging the lights on my tree. My apartment is fully decked out for the Christmas season while I feel totally unprepared. Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that my sermon for Sunday is going nowhere.
Where does one find inspiration when overwhelmed by what is missing from your own Advent season? When all of my friends and family are emailing to ask when I will be coming home for Christmas, I find myself even more lonely and wonder if I can even offer the hope of the season in my presence in worship -- or otherwise. Not that this has to come just from me, but it might help. It might also help if I was able to open myself up to the possibility of discovering that warmth I long for. It's not always as easily done as said though.
It didn't help that I got a Christmas card yesterday that said something to the effect of "I hope things are getting better." That hurt. It didn't capture my own feelings and I felt it unfair in a Christmas greeting. So, now, I'm just sad.