Not Listening to the Sermon

This morning while the minister that now pastors my home church preached, my mind wandered. In case anyone doesn't believe that everyone's mind wanders, there you go -- but that's not really my concern. Instead of listening to the sermon with way too many illustrations (pick one for the love of God!), I was mentally reviewing my Ordination essay. Earlier this week, I submitted it for those last few steps before I actually get ordained. And this weekend, I got a letter from the Committee on Ordination and Ministerial Standing inviting me to a meeting. It's the meeting where they get to question me about everything I have written (that is, if they have taken the time to read it in the past week).

I was thinking about Jessica and how she echoed my secret wonderings. Will they figure me out? Will they actually see that I'm less than the perfect Christian and that sometimes I am plagued with severe doubts? Jessica and I giggled about the fact that no matter how much we love the church, it just seems to good to be true.

And last night over martinis, I had a similar conversation with my dear friend Melanie who refers to the church as an abusive husband. No matter how frustrating it may be, she can't leave. As I told Melanie between sips of my martini, this metaphor sounds too severe and painfully violent. Egads! I love that word. Egads! I'm overwhelmed with nervous energy. Could all of my hopes and dreams be coming true? Could it really be? The blessing seems just too great. While in awe, I want nothing more to be in the fetal position. Awe is overwhelming.