Just What I Needed

I'm sitting in a coffee shop trying to write my sermon when it's already dark outside. It's been dark for an hour already. I hate this time change stuff. My sermon isn't flowing, so I'm reading blogs. Of course, I turned to Fidelia's Sisters and read this. And friends, this is why I love this organization and believe in our mission. I'm on the brink of tears having just read these words because I can relate.

The seminary student I'm mentoring (the poor thing) asked me last week about why I was ordained. He asked this question after I pushed him about what it means for him to be ordained. I was brazen enough to push him on what ministry is and who gets to do it. Keep in mind, I'm UCC. I'm not even sure you need to be ordained to officiate at Sacraments. I know. Hypocrite! Ah well. So, I'm asking this question of myself because I still haven't given him an answer. Frankly, I don't know. I never thought I would doubt my vocation -- but this week I am. And this article over at Fidelia's Sisters, well, it's a saving grace. God bless all YCW. God bless.

What Is the Meaning of Success?

President Bush said it last night. General Petraeus said it earlier this week. Perhaps others are saying it too -- and I'm too impatient to read the article or listen to the rest of the audio broadcast. But, President Bush is convicted in his belief that we are showing signs of success in Iraq. We can't back out now, he insists from his own logic that I cannot seem to grasp. But, in his speech last night (which I can't bring myself to actually get through without screaming), President Bush announced that our success in Iraq may allow gradual troop cuts. This number is not clear. The actions that need to be taken are incredibly vague. And like many others, I'm frustrated.

In the week of the sixth anniversary of 9/11, I find myself once again eager to be in prayer and fellowship with others who share my hope for peace. Perhaps that is why this digs me most. This news comes this week -- when our nation mourns our wounds. This news comes this week as if to placate our fears. It just doesn't seem right. And I know that I am not alone.

I got an email from Jim Wallis today. At the very end of the email, he asked for prayer. He reminded his email audience of the power of prayer and that prayer can and will change our world. But, this was after he asked for money -- twice. He asked for donations in particular increments to support Sojourners work toward peace and justice. I deleted the email in annoyance. As much as I value the work that Sojourners does, the double request for money hit the same nerve that Bush seems to disregard human lives. Is it money that will solve this problem? Has money ever solved any problems in our world? Didn't our nation's greed send us to Iraq in the first place?

I admit that I'm ranting. I admit that I may be unfair to Jim Wallis and the hardworking people at Sojourners. But, I can't help but wonder what it means to have success. What is success in this particular conflict? Can anyone be bold enough to assert that success has been obtained? Perhaps I'm still grieving 9/11 or perhaps I'm still thinking about the funeral that I officiated at earlier this week. But, these words by Ralph Waldo Emerson come to mind:

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by
a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;

This is to have succeeded.

I wonder who is breathing easier on this day after President Bush and General Petraeus have annouced success. I wonder what part of the world is better. Where are the healthy children and blossoming gardens? Or where might we find a redeemed social condition? I cannot know. And this is why I join Sojourners and others in prayer. I pray with members of the United Church of Christ and I pray with friends who find the words for my prayer when I cannot. May it be so.

Prayers for the Dying

When Oscar curls up on a patient's bed and stays there, the staff knows it's time to call the family. It usually means the patient has less than four hours to live.

This is Oscar. I heard about his story on CNN this morning and then read more about it here.

I'm going to the hospital this morning to make my weekly rounds. I don't know that anyone is in the hospital this week. But, I wonder about that connection between us -- that connection that allows some of us to be with the grieving and dying in those times. I don't think of myself as serving like Oscar. My prayers have never allowed someone to make peace with dying. My presence at the bedside of the dying isn't as natural for me as it is for Oscar.

But, in these last few days where I am the only pastor before the Senior Pastor comes back to work, part of me wishes for this gift to minister like Oscar. There are members of our church family that are unwilling to talk about death -- even though it is coming soon. I wish that I could curl up by thier side and allow them to make peace. But instead, I will bury a man this afternoon who never got to make that peace. I will stand at the graveside at a private service with his angered and relieved family. And I will be thinking about Oscar.

Mosquito Bites & Pacifism

This afternoon as I was driving home from church, I was itching my mosquito bite. The one that mysteriously appeared on my thigh while I was at Pilgrim Lodge last week. The one that appeared even though I was in long pants all week. The one that I can't stop scratching.

As I tried to talk myself out of scratching and gazed past the bug splattered on my windsheild, I thought of the 12-year old girl who informed me matter-of-factly last week that she had never killed anything. She's a vegetarian because she can't imagine eating anything with a brain. I had just swatted an mosquito when she told me this. "Not even a mosquito?" I asked.

Her reply was steadfast. She's never killed a single living thing -- not intentionally, not ever. I was surprised and startled by my own reaction. I believe in a world at peace. I believe in that world with my whole heart. But, am I really taking those small steps in my own life? With those daily encounters I have, am I offering peace to my sisters and brothers? Or does my disregard for mosquitoes reflect my own interaction in the world?

An email arrived in my inbox this afternoon from a congregant who thought I had been harsh. I remember the conversation, as it was only a week ago. It was a quick interaction after a Friday night event at the church that had discouraged me. I had just received two negative comments. "Where was the rest of the church?" "This wasn't exactly what I had expected." And I already felt badly about the event when this congregant asked me a question while I was talking to someone else. I hate when people interrupt conversations. But, he did. And today, I got an email from him inferring that my reply to his question was telling him to go to hell. He didn't say that -- but he inferred it in no uncertain terms. His email explained that he had spoken to the Senior Minister while I was away. Though he was clear that he wanted to heal the relationship (my words, not his), I feel defeated. I feel like I squashed a mosquito and failed to make peace.