This is the question that I'm asking myself. Over and over again.
What do I need?
It's a question that has emerged from my shiny new therapist. She's pushing me on this question -- as apparently I fall into that dreadful category of clergy who think of others before themselves. (This is news to me.) There are lots of things that are pushing up against this question. Lots of things. Too many things. It's why I haven't blogged. I'm just not sure what to say about myself. I'm not sure how to answer this question about what I need.
This afternoon, a friend called. She told me dramatic news that makes my heart break into too many pieces. It's not my story to tell, so I will only ask for prayers upon this friend. She needs them. Of course, I didn't say I'd pray for her. (I will but I believe she knows that. Or she better.) Instead, I asked her, "What do you need?"
Like me, she tripped over the answer. She offered the things that she had to cross off a list -- those things that I can't really do anything about. So, I interrupted her train of thought. "The list must be long," I said. "I know you'll do those things, but I want you to know that I'm here to hold your hand if you need it."
And I will.
In my own words, I heard that reminder that there are others that will do that for me. I'm trying so hard to find the words to talk about the things that I'm feeling about my call to ministry and the new expression of grief on my heart, but I need to remember that others are asking me that question too. (There's a reason that this post isn't making sense. I'm struggling with words. It's a big problem.) But, even when I can't find the words, someone somewhere is holding me in prayer -- and that's something I really need.